Formal vs. Informal

I am sure that you all have asked yourself the question “Am I too formal/informal?” one time or the other. It's not always easy to figure out what is right for the moment and it becomes especially difficult if you aren't writing or talking in your native language. I am going to write this from the point of view of a German speaker and for me the lack of “Sie”, “Ihnen”, “Ihr” and so on and so on, is the first difficulty I encounter when I try to be formal in English. In English you only use “you” and “yours” and that in both formal and informal situations. The first hurdle is now to figure out how to make a difference between those two ways of talking without constantly stepping on someone’s toes?

First of all you should definitely know whom you are talking to, I don't mean that you have to know if they are married, have children and where they live, simply try to be aware of the situation you are in. You should probably figure out if you are talking to a friend or not, if you are talking to a person who is at work and needs to be professional, someone who has a higher status, is quite a bit older than you or just does not like you enough to let you become informal with them. Now that you know what you are dealing with the rest shouldn't be as hard, should it? But what do you do if you would normally say “Verzeihen Sie mir, aber könnten Sie mir bitte helfen?” or “Entschuldigen Sie, könnten Sie mir vielleicht sagen, wer hierfür zuständig ist?”? One possibility would be “Sorry but could you help me?” and “Sorry but who is in charge of this?”. I seriously hope you won't talk to anyone like that if you have to be formal though but rather like this, “Excuse me but could you please help me?” and “Excuse me but do you, by any chance, know who is in charge of this?”. Sounds better, doesn't it? I am certainly not an expert on this topic (yet) but I would still go with the second pair of questions.

Talking and writing formally isn't the only thing you should know about though. While I have been roaming around the internet and have been chatting with some people from America and Canada something caught my eye. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that some people are just more open when writing or if it has something to do with their heritage but they seemed to be much more friendly and open than I would be. For example, when I write someone for the first time I am rather reserved and try to not offend and to not make any mistakes which makes my language a hint more formal even though I am in an informal environment. It is like I am still trying to keep my distance while trying to be polite in an informal way. The people that answered me would call me “friend” or “sweetheart” much earlier than I would. So to not offend someone with your way of talking you have to be aware of where they come from because their attitude towards what you say can differ from yours, just like the way you greet someone. Some people bow, some shake their hands, some just smile and it all has to do with where they where brought up, where they live and what their traditions are.

So besides knowing some grammar and vocabulary in a language, especially in an other one than your first, it's also crucial to know whom you are talking to and in what situation you are in right now. Even if you know all the grammar and know a massive amount of words, you probably will step on someone's toes and offend them if you are not aware that there is more to communication and more to formal and informal language than simple rules.
Observe, ask, make mistakes and learn from them, all that will help you to have a conversation without having to constantly ask yourself if you are doing well or not. I have to admit though, figuring out when to use what kind of language is trick and I suspect that it will get easier with the years and some practice.